surprise! we're going to Sybaris for a romantic weekend of riding slides into hot tubs full of champagne

getting mail is a better way of confirming that you haven't become invisible than running into a wall is.

stimulate my intellectual clitoris

you strut like a stallion but you fuck like a mule

i have devoted my life to the clitoris

uhhhnnn, caress me down

this blog will self-destruct

you are uninteresting but good at sex so i'll let you stick around

my hands are cold let me put them in your mouth

i use masturbation as a means of avoiding despair

i want to vibrate my membranes against yours in the eleventh dimension. string theory, bitches.

when i was eating some generic lucky charms one of the marshmallows stuck to my lip and it fell off and went beneath the couch and i am not going to look for it.

when i die i want you to snort my ashes. later i will grow out of your hair.

i just went to rub my tooth and my fingernail slipped up into my gumline and i could feel the gumline tear and now it hurts and i am licking it.

i like shark bites better than gushers and i like everything too

ryan manning when it is hot outside i lick the bones of your pelvis clean and they stick to my mouth.

i am wearing clothes and i have on a shirt that has a big blue stain on it and i think it's from a bic pen--i need to become dead in your car.

hey ryan manning and hey lisa ladehoff and hey blake butler and hey olivia robin and hey you won't be able to cover up when i start kicking you.

when i walked out of my room two seconds ago my belt loop caught on the metal device that holds the door closed and the button on my pants is currently not working and i don't know how to fix it and i have to say i am completely ruined.

hot like the blue line at 8:34 a.m.

r.i.p. hopes and dreams

i like you but you suck at being my muse

i want to fuck her so hard that her ancestors are offended

Lisa 'Left Eye' whatchacallit had her buzzsaw in my yaint

please send me your vagina on an airplane

stop me if you've heard this one before

let's get pornographic

after you die i will keep paying your phone bill so i can call you and leave messages that you'll never return, it will be just like you are still alive

you're still the only person on my list of people i have fondled in a ball pit

thank you for liking me despite my inability to date rape you mike tyson style

i'm battered, i'm bruised, i've done something rather unfortunate to my coccyx, i'm slightly upset and utterly elated; i'll definitely be doing it again

there is no vagina anywhere near my penis and it is making me sad

i want to fuck a librarian

i am sick and tired of being a hypochondriac.

not everyone understands online literature

there is a monster at the end of this blog

i need an intern, lover, muse and masseuse

you're so hot you're making me racist

i tried to have a tea party with a picture of you but it just kept falling over

french films make me want to eat french sandwiches, drink french wine, fuck french girls and take naps

the internet is the bathroom wall

you have the right to remain sexy

fearless consumption of unbaked cookie dough throughout my childhood has equipped me with an invincible immune system

tracy brannstrom wears pants

subjugate that ass

clean your body one piece at a time in the sink and try hard not to be friendly

easy now, fuzzy little man peach

period sex

why are there commercials for tampons

ultimately life-threatening

get killed you motherfucker

one person is adequate for booing

both of your pupils are fly orgies and i want to break your jaw

angry face and frightened face have sex to kill time because they think it is fun

being born is like being kidnapped and sold into slavery

i can't stop thinking of girls with pigtails as blowjobs with handlebars

instant detestation of sexual partner

i got a job at ben & jerry's and i'm not about to take any of this titty milk bullshit from you PETA assholes but guess my middle name and you can have some free sprinkles

jesus christ will somebody get aimée some waffles already

you pushed your boner against my buttcheeks and i pretended i was asleep

i'm sorry i really like you but everyone you know is a spider

sam pink might seem like a depraved individual but really he just finds comfort in the obscene because he can't handle how precious he is

i keep forgetting to eat

make like to me

multidimensional date rape

today i showered a second time after completely forgetting that i had showered the first time

pile drivers kind of turn me on a lot

tell your sister i said she fucks like a champ

is that a hamster in your pants or are you just happy to see me

might as well face it you're addicted to anal

one day i'm going to respond to everything you say by smacking you in the face with a frozen mini waffle but i know you'll forgive me because you like that thing i do with my tongue

i can haz sex slave

i'm so hot right now

i'd rather rim a meatloaf

bouncing quarters off of asses since 1999

oh my god oh my god don't stop don't stop

lip my stocking

dogs get periods too and i am a tired person can i sleep on your lap

i wish the ghost that rapes me every night would bring twix bars over and like leave them in the fridge for when i wake up

i hump your butt until all your blood falls into your skull and you have to pinch your nose to keep it all in

today i was sitting in a chair at a restaurant eating and i felt a little hand on my hand and i turned around and there was a woman holding a baby and the woman said, "he just wants to touch your head" and i said "oh that is fine" and then the baby laughed

smoke pcp everyday yo

one time i heard i should look at you while we were fucking because apparently my pupils are all dilated

HARD.

how is it even possible that i am not getting laid right now

i want you to focus all of your attention on me while you practice being incinerated

get the condoms with oprah's head on em

pressing the elevator button to your floor with my cock made the elevator spurt Shasta

chewbacca mask for baby keeps its spittle in its head

happiness is a warm tongue

i keep forgetting to shower and brush my teeth

i'll give you the best thirty seconds of your life

i am destroying my career

sam pink and blake butler sitting in a tree

shania twain needs to let me feed her with a spoon while she changes my diaper

semen is for swallowing

olivia robin you are incredibly good looking and you make me feel like i am a worthless old homeless man who has like a lot of dirt on his face and his crotch smells really bad

clitoral devastation

blue light special

i understand and i wish to continue

in public i will disown you and cough on your face

i want to make like one of those golf club covers for my dick and make it out of a stuffed animal so my dick doesn't get scratched up

the worst part about being alive is thinking about it

i will dance for you wearing a top hat, a red licorice bra and underwear made out of a garbage bag

money is stupid, my mind is ruined

if i were liu kang i would perform a babality on you and drop you into a pool in someone's backyard

disgusting girlfriend

the librarians by my place are all mean whenever i check out a book, i crawl up to the counter and then stand up slowly in front of them so it looks like I came from the floor i hate them they are always frowning

one step above "donkey punch" humor but only one step above it just barely

everything is upsetting to me and i am getting very angry

i am a pube near the back of blake butler's testical sack and i smell horny

ugly girls make me harder than pretty girls

father/son make-out party

when i come in my sleep the whole world is deflowered

ken baumann's erect phallus

delicious journeys through america for the purpose of making heterosexual male

you are nowhere

peanut butter

virtually flawless

there is no wheel

ryan manning you will have a headache after i destroy your vagina with an orgasm that has been concentrated by my violent loneliness

i think if one person was nice to me i would stop being an asshole but maybe not, i don't really know

the window is open and it is cold in my room but i am going to fuck you and you will be happy

put lipstick all over your face and spit on my dick

yesterday i tried that thing on home alone where you like order food and then play a movie to fool the delivery person but it was obvious and the delivery person figured it out so i slipped some money underneath the door to avoid showing my face

there is no name for the color of your cheeks when you are hurt and half dead and wishing you could float away asleep

i will catch the flies on your corpse using your uterus as a net and i will take the blood back from each fly and rebuild you because i really want to apologize for being a total meanie-head to you

this will make my life better

one of us should become an attractive female and go to where the other one is

existentially required in order to increase fertility

the arbitrary nature of pelvic thrusting

lisa ladehoff is a stone fox

cut it in half and double it

hits are rising like a motherfucker

multiple orgasms have been achieved

all of the weak, totally helpless things will be pushed into a pile and set on fire and the fat will be ciphoned for use in commercial goods

i have prison breath that i will blow into your face while i hold you down by the neck

i am good at staring

the trash compactor bulging with your landlord testes and i still had room to go to bed

which way to the uhaul service center i am scheduled to find the rip in the cunt awning with my gold knee

tickle me faggot so i can come

Come over and bring the dentist

I need to shit a baby how much for your anus

The kitchen malfunctioned on my yawn and I still couldn't cry

when i fuck you from behind i will grab your chin and kiss you face and the room always smells really bad after but we both like to lie still and that's always fun to do together i like you more than a friend

i feel like it would be fun to go to confession at a church and confess to the priest using the voice of that one guy from cypress hill, not the guy that says "insane in the membrane" but like the other guy who goes "insane in the brain"

i am wasting everyone's time ryan manning i hate you i hope you die in your sleep

i can beat you at nerf basketball and i am good at the game "crossfire" but i think the commercial where like the two kids are playing in outerspace or in a lightning storm maybe that is a little lame i agree

every orgasm i have happens twice, like at first i come a little and that gets my dick more hard and more wet and then later i come like for real like you know like where it's all over and the first thing you think is "i am going to die without having accomplished anything important" and you go to the bathroom and rip each tooth out with floss and swallow big big mouthfuls of your own blood

sometimes i put my hand in my pocket and find little stones and pieces of paper and i hold it all in my hand and say, "what happened to me?" and i try to remember my multiplication tables to show that i am a good person

please call me and breathe into the phone so i can take your breath through the plastic holes and pass out on the tile and hit my head really hard i have to die with dust on my face

i fell asleep on my couch listening to kids play outside and i woke up half an hour later crying and there were no kids outside anymore

i want to bust a double horizontal on your ass

existential despair is the argyle of emotions and the gift that keeps on giving

how dare you

let me sew a cow vagina over your mouth and i know the whole pledge of allegiance by heart

i haven't used a coupon in a long time

she will fuck me now if you want her you will have to scrape her out of my sticky pubes with your teeth ha ha ha

it is ok if you grow a cokenail and cut my cheek open with it then kiss my forehead

my dinner for the last four nights was a peanut butter and raspberry jelly sandwich and a glass of tapwater

we kept birthing the baby till your sphincter busted and the wall was off

dude that girl has been sending me messages, she told me she met satan at the age of 6 and that he was a dog that beat her when she was alone in her room

too sad to fuck

my real love is tootsie pops and gay hookers

hey everybody, it's ryan manning!

sore urethra emitting sand

having sex in a tent with people that are shorter than me

i am going to buy you a balloon shaped like a star or a heart and wait until it barely floats before i give it to you

pissing out the last of the semen from yesterdays happenings one wince at a time

i put a condom on my tongue when i kiss you

i found thirty cents in my coat today and got worried someone else had worn it

i filled my bellybutton with your exploded cherry

virgin orgasm is ripping your organs with its genitals

i am here to turn your dad into your mom through sex and step on his lungs until they explode and release his last air.

i just accidentally hit my toe against the wall and the nail ripped down the middle and the blood looked really dark.

the asian bill cosby

motherfucking sam pink